Its Been Awhile....2011 Bad Admittance

Feeling some kinda way about last night... bestie bday dinner and my other bestie is there with his gf....hmmm...made a point of not sitting to close to him and her because I didnt know how I would respond. The dinner went well, until I was alone with my thoughts, driving home alone. Honestly, I was feeling really salty. I dont think it really had anything to do with my bestie#2 directly, but here is my hypothesis, as of this morning. I DONT AND REPEAT DONT want him or the situation (definitely not the situation) but seeing them together hit me. See, bestie #2, as of the past few years has been that "one". One meaning the type of man I want and can see myself with forever...he is the prototype of some sorts but not mine, if that makes any sense. I guess I felt some kinda way because other than highschool, Ive never witnessed him in the "act". The gf saying oh baby this and that, handling the food issues, him assisting her with her jacket even lol....it was weird. And even weirder that it didnt hit me until an hour or so later lol. I am in the point of my life where I want love but only if its packaged up the way God wants it to be. I am not that "random woman"; I am the hopeless romantic that will be the awesome blessing and compliment to my mans life and vice versa and I wouldnt want it any other way. So maybe it was good to see that---even though I know hes not it for me, like soooo many others believe, it was good to see that she was on point as far as how she treated him. She better keep it up...

So...I think I like this guy. Well, okay, I do. I like him but I dont know where we stand. I'm a lil odd---LOL. I say this because I like him and want to know where he stands, what he wants but I dont want the "hey we are bf/gf talk". I just want to know if I should continue to put time into this or treat this as a friend to occupy time here and there. Not saying I couldnt see myself with him, bc I dont know but he is just an IDK. He's a lil nonchalant, when I want him to be excited about something. If I tell you I want to spend a weekend with you and you kinda treat it like another random day, it bothers me. But on the other hand, he seems happy to see me when we get together. I guess I'm frustrated bc I cant just up and go see him and it just be me and him. I'm not any better but UGH. I need to know whats up before I spend money on this weekend coming up lol. He also made the comment that he knows I talk to a lot of guys. Honestly, I chat with a few men but not everybody is on the same level. Some are for entertainment--knowing that nothing serious would come out of it. This guy is the only one I'm interested in pursuing something with; maybe one other but I know his schedule and the attention I want wont work. Either way, I need to know if the comment he made is something that will get in the way of me knowing his intentions or just a comment he made. He said that he notices me talking about a different dude, which I dont believe---and that the difference b/t us is that he doesnt talk about the chicks he talks to---I was like what the hell. On one hand, I could care less bc it seems like I get an adequate amount of attention but how could I even say anything bc what are we doing? Just chatting to chat or what? But how about I figure out my intentions before I go into hinting about what he wants...UGH...see thats why I dont like "liking" people.

"Sobering Moments"

My definition of a sobering moment would be a situation(s) that is a OMG this is really happening LOL. May not be a laughing moment, but its a lightbulb moment. In past entries, I have talked about a certain person that I have feelings for, but he is my bestfriend. I'm sure I have also mentioned that he has a child on the way, if not, then yea he is; This past week, I had a sobering moment with him---This man, a man who I have once or twice claimed to love to death and the only person, at this point, can see myself with now has a BABY ROOM----a crib and changing table. I walked in and immediately had no words; all I could say was awwwww and laugh (nothing was funny but when I dont know what else to do...that happens, if not silence). Dont get me wrong...I am excited for another child in the group but I'm not excited about the situation. I just want things to work out for the best honestly. I want the baby to be healthy and happy and I want him to be happy and for me not to be used. Sad to say but thats how I feel. That sobering moment= for all those that think there's still a chance, I saw nothing but him and baby mama getting married and THE END.
Sobering moment #2---A guy that at one point I thought I was in love with---is an asshole, but that wasnt the moment. From his ridiculous attempt to have a "regular" chill person, when he moves back in town from a failed relationship, my lightbulb moment was that he doesnt respect me and the feelings I had for him. I'm not an angel and I'm not innocent. I have made some mistakes and have tried to learn from them. But I have noticed that its very very very easy TO OUTGROW someone. I think I have outgrown him. I want something of substance. I want a man that wants me and he doesnt. He doesnt respect the things I've learned and what I choose to respect so he can KICK ROCKS. Being with someone who only wants one aspect of me is not worth my time and I refuse to waste anymore time on his ass backward relationship views or lack there of. I know what he wants from me and just to let him know, Ive found better. Thanks for the offer though. When you think you can come at me correct, then I might consider it but what you use to have, consider it lost.

I'm sure I'll have more to come but that was on my mind...

Lesson Learned

So I'm not an angel...never claimed to be but feelings happened years before and just seem to get even more complicated. I liked my friend, he liked me, messed around and it was a cycle. I ended it, he got married, he rubbed it in my face, I wanted to punch him, marriage didnt last a yr, they separated and he starts calling me. I try to help him sort through his feelings, being there for him and in the end, I get kicked to the curb. Used in all aspects but I got back up from the fall and became stronger. Knowing all along I am better than what he was barely giving me and one day I decided that I was done. I was done, he didnt want what I wanted so it is what it is. He claimed he wasnt ready for a relationship and maybe 3 or 4 months later, he was with a chick, out of state. We started messing around again, before I knew about her and it was strictly on some lets chill, no feelings----to fast forward that was the just of our relationship until he decided to move out of state with her, but we had stopped chillin hard back in Dec. Anyway we saw each other recently, we dont see each other often and dont talk often but he tries to take it back there. This particular blog is in response to a comment that he made. "Back in 2007, you didnt care if I was technically went someone so whats the difference?" The difference is, you bastard, I want more. You want everything else but a relationship, which is what I want so why should I give you what you want? Why should I repeat history? You had the chance to be with me and have what I had to offer and you passed, so I think I will do the same. You damn right, I am a tease to you bc I want you to suffer, more than you already claim. I want you to think about what you could have constantly and yes this is wrong and my evil side but what can I say?? He tried to hurt me from that comment---I thought about it bc that wasnt a proud moment but I didnt want to respond bc I dont want him to think he has that control of me. I am not the same person I was in 07. You made me toughen up and I thank you for the shhhhiiii you put me through and lesson learned baby. May you continue to fiend for me and I continue to find the blessing God has for me. My mistake for even entertaining you and your mess. Its not a proud moment and I pray for forgiveness. Its obvious our friendship cant be revived bc you forgot how to just be my friend. I love you but I cant let you continue to try and hurt me bc everytime you find a lil something I'm put on the back burner and when stuff turns sour, you come back----come back to the affection you claim you dont get at home. Well its not my problem and I'm tired of guys using my because their homefront isnt straight. Thats not my job and I'm not claiming that title...Sorry.

"Youve Just Ran Across My Mind"

I guess the guys from my past have been killing Jill Scott CD because it seems like I keep hearing the same tune when they call me. I find that no matter what I went through with the person, they all have the balls to hit me up. Usually, its the ones where I had the most drama that comes back and its beyond old. What makes it old is the fact that they expect to get back to how it was or try to make it seem like OMG I couldnt get you off my mind...HA are you serious??? Have you not met me??? I dont fall for lines. Come at me on some REAL ish please. SN Guys if you think ladies like me fall for it bc we give you a chance, chances are we looked past the lame lines and wanted to talk to you beforehand lol. I have this guy now...real cool dude, from what I remembered has popped up a year later. I mean given I was with a sorry excuse for a "man" last year, when he popped up the first time but I mean dont make it seem like Ive always been on your mind and you just want to be with me sooo bad. Dont be extra and tell me that you would move down here for me and take care of me blah blah blah. You have a lot of other situations going on and who knows what you do on the road. I dont have time for here and there Janee' time, I'm not with it. Anyway I've had waaaaaaayyyyyy too many pop ups recently and just about all of them are on the same BS, which makes it that much easier not to fall into that giant hole of "wasted time" again. If you want me, show and prove babe---dont try my gangsta and think you can just see me once, compliment me and then try to get in good, for the goods. It didnt work the first time around so why even go there. Maybe they guys were just getting ready for the concert tonight LMAO so they can get that song out of their head

Does forgiving mean forgetting?

Does forgiving mean forgetting?

I had a conversation with someone the other day about forgiveness. He told me that truly forgiving someone means forgetting about the situation. Is that true? I have forgiven people for the things they’ve done but I haven’t forgot. I feel like remembering the situation is allowing you not to get into that situation again. Especially in my case when people don’t know how to leave me alone. I’m faced with not knowing if I have truly forgiven him, just because I said I did or because I don’t dwell on it anymore. Its truly a mystery how the world works. People want to fuck up and then come right back around and it seems to me that some people are easier to let go than others. When is it the time when my compassion for people runs out, especially for the ones I’ve had drama with? I guess with those particular people, I know that the drama we had is not what they are all about. What I mean by that is, I know the good in them as well and the good doesn’t necessarily outweigh the bad and vice versa. It by far doesn’t excuse the fact that they fucked up but if I feel like giving them another chance, am I fool? Honestly, I feel like one but can you, the reader, say that you’ve never given someone a chance after they have fucked up royally? Are you like me, where the main ones you’ve had the most mess with have GIGANTIC BALLS and try to come back in your life? Supposedly in a new place, willing to do whatever, just to be called a friend and not a foe? These are the questions. How real is the saying that someone who truly loves and cares about you won’t ever make you shed a tear? That’s not the way to show love, but I know of SOOOOO many women, who have been through it all and have given chance after chance, but I guess it depends on if you, in your heart feel he is worth it. I have things I want to get off my chest and they may be an indication on whether a chance can be given. Im not gonna lie, it will take a lot for trust to be regained but we will see if the category of associate can be reached. I guess I’ve already made up my mind that I will at least put all the cards on the table, once and for all----we shall see

hvnlyvision

Questions/Rambling

Is it bad that I wont put that I'm in a relationship, until after a month or so? Or until things get going, so to speak?

Should I feel bad for knowing that I'm a better fit for someone?

What the hell is a soulmate? lol

Why do I care about people I dont want to care about?

UGH...why do people SUCK??????????

Why do I want this relationship but so freakin scared of being in one?

Why did I admit to loving someone, seeing myself with this person but they see me as the last resort? What kinda.....is that?